Olde Floridae

If you’re looking for some true Olde Floridae fun, plus a chance to get gobbled by a huge reptile or doodied on by birds – hey, why not both? – then head on over to the St. Augustine Alligator Farm. We did, and we loved it!

This place checks all the boxes: been around a long time, gets hot as blazes eight months of the year, has stuff you’ll find only in Florida and features a tackily kickass gift shop. What the brochure leaves out is you’ll learn there are creatures walking and crawling this Earth that are the stuff of absolute nightmares. Alligators and crocodiles as big as boats, snakes longer than, like, several of your arms and fish that have more jagged teeth than a British dentistry manual (I’m a Brit, so I can say that). And all of them want to kill and sometimes eat you. Fun!

There’s also a huge sanctuary full of many types of birds. And while they might not want to eat you, they will crap on you just as sure as you’re standing. Speaking of standing, be very careful where you do that. Pro tip: Avoid the places that look like somebody started painting white and gave up. Those are the drop zones!

Genevieve says the best part about the sanctuary is it has her favorite bird, the roseate spoonbill, by the dozen. She is crazy about those birds and turns as pink as they are with excitement whenever she sees one. She also breaks out into her spoonbill theme song. It sounds remarkably like “Spoonman” by Soundgarden, but she sings it a little differently to avoid copyright issues. Okay, it sounds exactly the same, but she says “Spoonbill” instead of “Spoonman.” Lawyer up, bro.

By the way, Genevieve once got crapped on by a bird at Lake Como in Italy. Some people consider this good luck. These people are crazy. She had much trepidation about getting the same treatment walking through the sanctuary, so I gave her my top hat for protection. Fellas, she swooned!

Did I mention the Alligator Farm also has huge tortoises? It does. So big you could throw a saddle on them. They look like they haven’t had an eff to give since birth. The slogan for this place should be “Where God’s Beauty, Awesome Terror and Sense of Humor Meet.”

I’d say more but don’t want to give too much away. Trust us, the St. Augustine Alligator Farm is must-see TV if you like kitschy attractions. Oh, it also has zip-lining? Yes, zip-lining.

One last thing: Gomek. That’s all I’ll say. Happy nightmares!