Olde Floridae

When is a food court not a food court? When there’s no food, of course. And that, my friends, represents the current state of Port Richey’s once-vaunted mecca of shopping, culture, prestige and teen loitering, Gulf View Square Mall.

Which brings me to my next question: When is a mall not a mall? When it in looks like Gulf View. Genevieve and I found ourselves there on a recent Friday as we headed down the coast to St. Petersburg to take in some true Olde Floridae at Sunken Gardens, followed by an evening at St. Pete Beach by the Don CeSar. Spoiler: It’s still pink!

Gulf View – or “The Mall,” as it is/was known to the locals – opened in 1980 to much fanfare. Not that it was all that big or anything, since you could probably fit it in the second-floor restrooms at Mall of America in Minnesota. But it wasn’t K-Mart, so people started showing up. I’m told it once had four or five anchor stores, a Chick-fil-A, a kickass arcade, an Orange Julius and something called Schnickelfritz, which I can only imagine smelled like sauerkraut. It also had – and still has! – a Spencer’s. How is it possible that the only remaining store from The Mall’s 1980s glory years is one where you can buy fart powder? Well, if you saw what we did, it would probably make perfect sense, because that place stinks. Not in the literal sense (outside dumpsters notwithstanding), but because most of the stores are unoccupied and almost all the rest are owned by people who would probably set up shop at a flea market if not for the whole being outside thing.

One other thing about The Mall’s glory years: It was referenced in the book Donnie Brasco by Joe Pistone. Johnny Depp was the lead in the movie by the same name. Therefore, by the Pythagorean Theorem, you could say that Johnny Depp shopped at Gulf View. Wonder if Amber Heard?

A curious thing about The Mall is the hours of operation, 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. What on Earth? It’s enough to make a banker blush. Also, it looked like some of the doors don’t close all the way.

I’d write more, but the memories of visiting that formerly glorious shopping mecca are too overwhelming to continue. If you ever find yourself experiencing more joy than you can handle, head to Port Richey and stop by Gulf View Square Mall. It’ll chase your happiness away faster than you can say “fart powder.”

Just don’t show up hungry, because the food court ain’t serving.